Things are looking up

I have been feeling an overwhelming feeling of panic since the semester started. I have been having anxiety dreams and feeling like I just didn't have enough time to do everything I needed to and as soon as I thought of something that needed to be done, I would almost start to cry. I wasn't sure why I felt like this so early on. I thought maybe I was worried about my sister who lives in Pakistan and it was surfacing this way. While I AM overloaded with work, it's just the normal I have so much to do stuff, it's not at the break down in tears regularly level (yet). Financially, things are really tight right now - maybe that was it. And physically, my space is chaotic.

Whatever the reason, I have started to feel better. On thing, my home office is nice and neat now. It had become a storage room with a desk in it. No lie, I had a boob high pile of boxes and crap "to deal with" that stretched about three feet. Well, I got a new desk from my parents (who just sold their second home so anything we wanted -- like my childhood desk -- had to be taken and absorbed into our homes now) and to do that I had to take everything out of the office and pile it around the rest of the apartment. Results, my apartment looks like Monk's brother lives here with piles and piles and piles of paper and crap on every surface and piled under the Christmas tree (which is still up) but my office is pristine. Clear, organized, everything neatly on the shelves. I am determined to keep it this way even if it means I can't cook for a month! (I cleared a space in front of the microwave and coffeepot) And because of this, I spent the last two evenings prepping for my classes, which had never gotten completely organized. I now have my nice notebooks made with all the info I need, my lesson plans made out and my blackboard up and up to speed. I feel so much better. I think the stress was less from a lack of time than from a loss of time. I really couldn't get a grasp on what needed to be done when, it was all floating around in my head so each day was a series of "oh shit"s as I realized I had something I desperately needed to get done right away. Now it's all down nice and neat in my planner and course notebooks and I have a nice big clean desk to do them on. Ahhhhhhhh

My friends are safe

28%

So it looks like they are safe through faculty forum and long department meetings....oh hell, lets face it...at my size and physical condition...I'm going down. (And who could blame them, I would definitely be the tastiest.)

I am losing my mind. I have so much to do. I am so behind. It is only the third week of school. I just had a four day weekend. How can this be happening so soon? Aggggggh

"Special" Thoughts

Some thoughts I have that make me think that I am not like other girls. (note reference to the Buffy musical - special thought number one! "Whistle while you, work, So hard all day, To be like other girls, To fit in IN this glittering world...")

2) "I don't know why I am so tired, it's only midnight."
3) "Do other girls just pull off their bra and jeans and crawl into bed...I think some girls have special clothes they use just for sleeping in."
4) "What is that smell in my...(office, house, refrigerator)?!"
5) "Since the unfortunate fireball incident, I don't like to use the bottom part of the stove."
6) (actual conversation) Me:(so proud) "I actually cooked my own dinner from scratch last night." Friend: "What did you have?" Me: "Mashed potatoes." Friend: "With what?" Me:(long pause) butter.

When you start the day with a moment of solitude and contemplation, even the most crowded schedule runs more smoothly.

I got this quote for today from the Peace center and I think it's so true. I think that is one of the things that makes a long weekend so refreshing. That there is time to get all the life crap done (laundry, groceries etc..) and a little left over. Which means I can afford a more leasurly approach to my time and have time for solitude and quiet in the morning. I like to have my coffee and put on some new age music and read my blogs and slowly come into the world. (What would be even more effective would be if I would use that time of quiet and solitude for yoga and/or meditaiton but I am not there yet!) Part of the pleasure of this is also, I am sure, that I am not in a panic about what is going to happen after the coffee and blog time. i have plenty of time today becuse I have no commitments other than a possible coffee date later if we feel like it when the time comes. I have things I want to get done before bedtime but they are my agenda items and i can do them (or not)when I want.

So I am enjoying my morning and I am going to try and make my weekday morning like this as much as possible.

How do you people do it?

How do you write blog entries every day? Now that the semester has started, I am lucky if i can find the time and energy for once a week!

Me wants

http://www.apple.com/macbookair/#ad

OMG!! Me wants, me wants.

theme update

So my theme for 2008 is health and so far...well so far last week highlighted the obstacles in the way to healthy choices rather than actual healthy choices. But I am actually okay with that. In fact, this is one of the reasons I prefer themes to resolutions. Resolutions have a pass/fail quality and if I had made a resolution to be healthier at this point it would feel like I had failed and by next week I would probably be giving up. But since it's a theme, this is just the first step to a journey that is not over until 2009. Plenty of time to change and grow.

So what has happened? Well I have a lot of health issues I have to deal with right now. 2007 could be labeled the year I got the check...meaning I have been abusing my body for most of my life and I just got the bill. I had a lot of health problems and had to have surgery. All of the health problems could be controlled and changed now with healthy lifestyle choices. But, the writing is on the wall and if I don't change my ways they will end up being permanent problems.

So one of the first things I need to work on is eating. Now I am very overweight and need to drop some tonage but that is just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, I think that is more of a symptom of the problem than the problem itself. I also found out that I am insulin resistant and have PCOS. Diabetes to follow if things don't change. So I need to change what I eat - twice as much protein as carbs - and eat some veggies dammit. I'm Irish by heritage and a meat and potatoes girl (and frankly I could skip the meat) so this is hard shift for me. Plus, I tend to not eat often enough. Eating small meals 6 times a day is the healthiest choice for me and is very challenging. And finally, I don't cook. At all. Not even a little bit. If it doesn't have microwave instruction on the box, it doesn't come into the house. In addition to the PCOS etc... I have been having problems with migraines and one of the triggers is processed foods, so prepackeged healthy stuff is out as well. (i.e. no south beach frozen dinners) I tried to work on this at the end of the last semester but learning to cook, learning to shop for food, cooking it, bringing it to school and eating all this strange stuff was too much too handle all at once. (was going for the South beach diet) Over break however, I got much better. Despite several Christmas related slips, overall I ate much better and one of my friends came over several times and we had big cook fests. She showed me how to prepare some good recipes and we cooked up stuff in advance so I could then microwave and eat during the week. All in all, it went well I was doing pretty well on the cooking and eating front... lots of room for improvement but I was pleased with myself. Then school started. And I was back to my old habits. Last week, I ate once a day somewhere between 4-8 pm and I would get Chinese food on the way home. At that point my blood sugar was so low that once I did eat (enough food for a family of 4) I slipped into a post prandial coma on the couch for a couple of hours. Not good.

But rather than be filled with despair, I am looking at this as an opportunity. I was able to identify several problems/triggers and have hopefully come up with a solution. My new motto - the crock pot is your friend! So I went and got a little mini crockpot over the weekend (I already had a full sized one) I can make oatmeal in the minicrock - you put it in the night before and you wake up and it's all ready and yummy. At least that's what Alton Brown on Good Eats says. First thing in the morning, I am all dopey and it's all I can do to make my coffee and read my blogs. The idea of cooking is not only anathema but downright dangerous. (Really, after the unfortunate fireball incident, I take these things more seriously) And by the time I am functional and it's safe to cook, I am already late for class. But if it's there already and good to go, well, even I can scoop out a bowl of oatmeal once I have had some coffee. Then for dinner, I will do a crock pot meal as well. If I know I have something tasty and hot waiting for me the minute I walk in the door, I can hopefully stave off the drive thru urge. And then I can do leftovers and salad for lunch the next day.

We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck!

A picture is worth a thousand words

It's the last night of the first week back and I am brain dead and physically fried. But I do not want to go too long without posting or I am afeared I may never post again! So I thought I would upload the avatar I created at the website squadratomagico told me about. I wanted to create an inspirational avatar for the upcoming year. Someone who looked like I felt and/or wanted to feel by the end of the year of health. The way I feel when I think of myself in my head rather than what I see when I look in the mirror (wicked things mirrors....is it any wonder they caused bad things to happen in fairy tales?) So when they make the animated version of my life (think Bidget Jones Diary meets The Paper Chase) this will be me!


(Here is my alternate...I wasn't sure which one to go with. Anyone who knows me, feel free to take a vote! Ah hell, even if you don't know me!)

Hi Ho Hi ho It's off to work I go

nuff said.

Last Day of Freedom

Today was the last day of freedom before the semester begins. (Also the last day of Christmas) I had had plans to go up and help my Dad take down the last of the Christmas decorations but when I called to say I was on my way, I found out they had already done it. This left me with completely free day. I could have used that to take down my Christmas tree, finish my Christmas cards and mail the last of my Christmas presents. Or I could have used the day to prepare for the new semester, do some laundry, get my new planner that I got for Christmas in order. Did I do any of those worthy things? No I did not. Instead, I put the top down on the Bomber and went for a long drive.

One of the things I do not like about living in South Florida (and sorely miss about living in Georgia) is that it takes so long to get anywhere different. If you want to leave Florida, you have to drive a day and half. Now it's true that everywhere you go is sunshine and beaches but, after a while that does get tedious. So today I decide to drive west. Since the beach is on the east, I never drive west. What would be the point really? But today I drove west and hit a park in the Everglades. The weather was beautiful, I had my ipod plugged into my new car radio. The scenery was different from what I am used to over on the beach side and it felt just a little bit like I was somewhere else. No mountains of course, but maybe Louisiana. (Might have been helped by Aaron Neville on the ipod) I stopped while I was out and got a tasty lunch and talked with my waitress or along time about homeschooling her son. All in all it was a lovely last day.

Now what class do I have tomorrow?

New radio

It's the last Saturday before the new term starts and I should be getting ready for the new classes I am teaching Monday (What AM I teaching Monday?) But instead I was out buying a new car radio. Last semester my beloved Samantha Jones (white Sebring Convertible) was pronounced terminal by the mechanics. I had to buy a new car in a hurry because I was about to have surgery and then wouldn't be able to get in a car soon. After a frantic weekend of shopping (under 12,000 and a convertible were my requirements) I was able to find a new car. Now I had figured I would probably end up with another Sebring but they had made some changes after my year and I didn't really like the later Sebrings. And then, there on the lot, was another car. A different car. A car at which, if you had described it to me, I would have turned up my nose. But sitting there, with the top down, called to me. An eclectic blue PT Cruiser convertible. With the top down it looks like an old jalopy. I expect Archie and Jughead to climb in or for Frankie Avalon to put his surfboard in the back. I handed over my cash and The Blue Bomber became mine.

So far, despite my lingering sorrow over my beloved Sammy, the Blue Bomber and I have been getting along fine. Our relationship growing deeper and closer with each hair raising drive down I95. But what the Bomber lacks is a good radio. And by good radio I mean one I can play my Ipod on. In Sammy, I had installed an FM transmitter. I plugged it in, flipped a toggle switch under the dashboard (I love toggle switches) and all 9,875 songs were at my fingertips. But The Bomber had no aux input, no way to play my ipod (The LEM). Then to compound the problem, the CD player hasn't been working properly and the CDs kept skipping. I spent the entire Christmas holidays with the one CD that wouldn't skip in the player. I may never listen to Croon and Swoon again. My life has been a musical nightmare.

But for Christmas, my parents gave me an IOU for a new car radio. After two days shopping with my Dad and many trials and tribulations (why don't the Circuit City and Best Buy boys ever just admit they don't know what something means?) I now have a new stereo with Ipod controls BUILT RIGHT IN! I am in heaven.

Christmas is a good thing.

Happy Twelfth Night all.

Did anyone comment on my blog, Did anyone comment on my blog?

type type type enter password. scroll down. no comments! sigh.

This is the scene at my computer every time I go to check my email. (which is everytime I pass my home office because I have an addiction) I think it's time for the semester to start up again because I am clearly becoming one sad and pathetic puppy!

Thoughts about teaching

If there are teachings, instructions or corrections to be given, always give them with a lot of love, and no trace of anger.

This was a quote I got during Christmas break from the Peace Village. I saved it because during break the last thing I wanted to think about was teaching. But I knew if break went well and did what it should, when the semester started, I would be refreshed and ready to think about my teaching again. I like to spend a little time at the beginning of the semester and during the summer thinking about teaching as a global concept. My teaching philosophy and ways to put that into my classes. During the middle of the semester it's all I can do to remember I have a teaching philosophy! But if teaching is to be more than just an administrative activity I do for a living, then it's important to me that I remember the fact that I truly believe that it's more than that. That it is in some ways a calling and that for me, because I love learning and love my subject, its a means of sharing something I love with others.

During the semester it is so easy to get caught up in the pile of stuff to do and the aggravation of students for whom learning is not a calling. Who make self destructive academic choices that I do no understand. And then to get angry and frustrated by that. But I think that that is really me projecting my own desires on students and becoming frustrated that they are not what I want them to be. Which is not there purpose. I must remember that they are all individuals who are in school and my class for a variety of different reasons that are not my reasons. I may be able to show some of them what I think is a better reason to be there and a better way to be as student, but probably not if I am angry and frustrated. Few people will change in the face of anger. They instead get defensive. Even if I am right, if the person I am interacting with (be it students of faculty or administrators) is on the defensive, I am unlikely to get through to them. I may have a brief cathartic moment of release at venting my anger and frustration - particularly if it is justified. But I will not likely achieve my real goal. Which with the students, is to show them how learning is fun, how it enriches their lives and that working hard and mastering something brings a deeper pleasure than the obvious pleasure of Friday night on South Beach and that it's worth going for. But if i can stay in a place of love and peace, I think I am much more likely to be successful. Surely, even if I am not successful, I will end the semester less frustrated! :)

Traditional German Breakfast

Miss Kitty asked in a post about our Christmas morning's traditional German breakfast and since Miss Kitty not only reads my blog and posts comments but has also put me on her list of good blogs to read, I feel I must comply. I mean she is clearly my number one reader. (Possibly my only reader but on that I will not dwell! :)

So our Christmas breakfast when I was young was Eggs Benedict. At some point, Mom figured out that helping Santa til the wee hours and then getting up at 6 am with kids who wanted to see what Santa brought then preparing a big breakfast of Eggs Benedict and then cleaning the house for the deluge of relatives and preparing a big Christmas dinner and then packing up that night to take kids to in laws in another state the next day was clearly too much work. So out went the only thing that could go - the Eggs Benedict. Instead our new tradition became fried egg sandwiches - much easier and we all love them. Then one year my sister got egg cups and egg scissors for Christmas so Mom planned, as a surprise, a traditional German breakfast so she could use her new gifts and it was such a hit it became a new tradition. (or T as we call it in our house. Anything we do more than twice in a row at Christmas becomes a T. Mom complains that all new t's involve more work for her and has been trying to divest the family of T's for years. Now that she is 70 with no son-in--laws to help with all the T's I am afeared that we are going to have to let them go or - gasp - I might have to start doing the work.)

We lived in Germany when I was a kid and my sister (who did not get to do the Germany living as she was still a gleam in fathers eye at the time) is a big...what is the German equivalent of an anglophile? A germophile?...that can't be right. And one of the things we love love love about Germany is the German breakfast. Fruhstuk. When you are staying at a hotel in Germany you come down in the morning to a breakfast of Salomi, cold cuts, cheese, braunschweiger (liverwurst) crusty rolls and this delicious flat dark bread with seeds and nuts. Butter and jam and soft boiled eggs. And if your lucky, Nutella (a chocolate hazelnut spread). Since I do not like most American breakfast foods (cereal is NOT real food) and will often make a sandwich or have a cheeseburger for breakfast - I am in heaven with a German breakfast. That's food you can start a good day on! hmmmm now I'm hungry.

Another German breakfast staple that I think is so clever is a small swing top trash can on the table to put in your refuse - like used better pats and jelly holders and empty sugar packets. It elements the piles of trash on your table that I always think is so unappetizing.

Okay now I'm thinking of all the things I love about Germany. Gluhwhein (a hot spiced wine) wursts and schnitzel. Oh and the mountains, cute towns, Kris Kindle mart. There are other non-food-related German things that I love.

Happy 2008

Maybe I don't want a Happy New Year, he said. Maybe I want an intense New Year with a lot of growth experiences

& I had to admit I'd never thought of that



I thought this piece by my most favorite artist Brian Andreaas was an appropriate thought for this new year. Happiness is really a fairly shallow concept when you think about it. What I really want for myself is joy and peace and gentleness and exhilaration. And someone else might want something totally different. In fact, a hard lesson for me to learn has been that there are people who don't want to be happy. So I wish for them and you whatever it is you want/need in this upcoming year to lead to your movement toward your highest self.

People are always into resolutions for the new year. I always make the same ones and have yet to achieve any of them! I really like Profgrrrrl's idea of having a theme for the news year. (It seems somehow gentler and more "Eastern" or more probably a western concept of Eastern!) So I have been contemplating that idea since I first read it and I have decided my theme for 2008 is health. I am not going to make specific resolution/goals but rather will try to focus my energy on making choices that lead to greater health. One of the reasons I like the theme of health is that it incorporates so many aspects of life. There is physical health. I have had several health problems this last year and some health scares are still hovering and they are mostly things that could be solved (if I take action now) with lifestyle changes so that is an important issue. But health also includes mental health, and spiritual health. I have not been as involved in my spiritual life as is good for me and a better balance of work and personal life as well as dealing with issues in both of those areas in a more healthy way would definitely benefit me. So there it is ...2008 ...a year of healthy choices, healthy lifestyles.

(Next post is on traditional German breakfast per Miss Kitty's request)